I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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