Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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