just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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