Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
