Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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