I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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