Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
