remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize