I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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