so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
