Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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