"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
