Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
