Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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