The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
