Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
