What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
