90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
