let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
