I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
