I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize