Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
