my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize