So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
