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we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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