Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
