dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize