I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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