She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
