is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
