I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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