i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We had to coat check the pizza.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
