i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
