If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize