fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
