listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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