I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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