I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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