Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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