So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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