She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize