I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
