She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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