god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
