Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
