pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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