dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
