Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I have tasted many bathrooms
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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