i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
