I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
