I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She told me I should be a condom model.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize