Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
