I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
