I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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