Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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