I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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