Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize