The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The best revenge is premature balding
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
