you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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