peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
