I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
