He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
