just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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