a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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