dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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