Can i not drive my cunt home
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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