Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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