News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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